all neuroses, all the time

Wednesday, May 29

ah, j.go... how do i love thee? let me count the ways...


(stares dreamily at the computer screen, wishing i was in maine...)




Saturday, May 25

since last we spoke:

i've packed my house, and have started bringing boxes over to will's apartment.

i've made willy get rid of stuff.

i had a little pre-garage-sale viewing for friends and made $200.00.

i drove 5 hours to my mother's house and swapped my new bed set for her tulip table and windsor chairs (the air-con in the truck died during this trip. it was 90+ degrees. i was a tad... er... irritated).

i had the actual garage sale this morning, and made another $225.00. lots of homos came, and how happy they were to discover that i was letting the antiques go for next to nothing. i feel free, and lighter. i'm glad to be rid of it all. and what a great excuse to clean out the attic. found two things i'd forgotten about, sprayed them with pledge, re-glued some joints, and made another $30. thank god i went up there!

i've priced storage units, which i hate, because if only we had a utility closet here at the apartment we'd be okay. but no. and we have so many cute christmas ornaments that they have to go somewhere. hi, i'm a homosexual.

i've received a gifty-poo from aldo, and now will be sending him my end of the bargain... thanks baby! i love love love the cd's! maybe i'll stop through indiana on roadtrip 2002 now. have a drinky poo, maybe.

i have fallen in love with that new no doubt song, "hella good." it makes me wet, i adore it.

and there you have it.

my husband is in las vegas at a bachelor party. i hope some hooker is lap dancing on him right this minute. me, i'm headed for the shower. i stink, and not in the good way, beau.

as always,

Thursday, May 16

hang on now, meet my heart

well, i certainly apologize for the lack of updates this last week, but after the veritable link-fest of last thursday's post i had to take a little breaky-poo; suddenly a week had gone by... and besides, i'm busy busy busy, getting my place in order for the garage sale of the century on saturday. which i'm not looking forward to, actually. hmm.

one of the ways in which i am facilitating the eventual move to new york city is that i am getting rid of most everything i own. oh sure, the slipper chairs and bauhaus plates and parsons table are staying put; i mean, i'm a dizzy queen sometimes but i'm not crazy. but the lifetime of cards and notes and ticket stubs and sea shells and dried corsages and lucky underwear? it all has to go. and so, i'm divorcing myself from the sentimentality of my things, i'm making sure that there is nothing left to tug at my heartstrings or make my eyes mist up or, most importantly, keep me grounded and rooted in a place or situation i want desperately out of.

for the last 5 years i have exclusively bought music from my high school days, obsessively stockpiling multiple imports and ebay-finds of the likes of kajagoogoo and toni basil. i mean, why? because there is one extra mix, or a b-side? nope. because truly they go unlistened to. i downloaded thousands of mp3s, so that i might make dream compilations of hard to find esoterica (like: did you know there are more than 8 mixes of the frankie goes to hollywood never-was-a-hit "watching the wildlife"? i have almost all of them, inexplicably) that thus far have only gathered dust on a shelf by the computer. what am i stockpiling for? the great "synthpop dearth" that nostradamus predicted? i don't think so. and yet, i keep downloading and burning, cataloguing and filing. it's tedious.

i wonder if all this looking backward is to keep me in my comfort zone. the first time i went to college, and subsequently foundered and wasted everybody's time and money, i was probably at my most happy. which, if you think about it, is fairly pathetic. i don't want to have to look back on my early twenties as the best time of my life; and yet i do, i think. back then i found out things about myself daily, learned about men and women and love and sex, i made my own little home and had my own friends and my own little chosen family and i drank and smoked and drugged and fucked and i was so completely me, and all that music was the soundtrack. and now, years and years later, i'm just beginning a new life; i have a career, i have prospects, i have a long-time mate, i'm moving out of this city soon, and finally all the way to nyc one day... i'm caring about my looks and body again, i'm interested in hobbies and most importantly i'm wanting to draw and paint and record and write and create. it has been a long hard road, and i wish i felt comfortable enough to tell all of you how i devolved the way i did. how i became who i did, and why this rebirth has come at such a hard price. at any rate, i need some new music.


everything must go. i slough off this skin, this cloying and sticky nostalgia, this ultimately melancholy retrospection of better days. it only embitters me, and that's not who i am anymore. goodbye love notes from former girl (and boy) friends. goodbye "get well" cards from the time i broke my leg 13 years ago. goodbye menu from the dinner i ate with the guy i was hung up on when i was 22, and whose face i can now barely remember.

and most importantly, goodbye to you, bad karma. you served me well when i needed someone or something to blame for my fat scary life. but really, now: fuck off.

all this from wrapping glasses and dishes in newspaper. who knew?


Thursday, May 9

'til i'm out of breath, i love you to death


yesterday was the final for the class i am t.a.-ing, and it went well. i kept them all on a schedule so that everyone got to present with the same amount of time, and everybody had to stay for everybody else's presentation. this is different from the midterm, as people left when they felt like it, making the last few students present to an empty room after sitting through everybody else's. so i sat in front of the door, and let nobody out. i'm quite a doorstop.

so anyway. feeling sort of martha stewart-ish i did something i never ever ever do. i went to a craft and hobby store. i stay away from such places, as i hate puff-painted t-shirts and i despise toaster covers crocheted to look like debutante dolls. you know the type of woman that lives at stores like this. too much time on her hands, so she has this neurotic and obsessive need to make every surface in her home "pretty." yech. the bile rises in my throat.

well, i was bored. i went in. and walked out with a soap-making kit, soap molds, microwaveable soap bits, fragrances, colors, etc. what have i become? so i made some soaps last night, and they were horrible. stunk, had weird consistencies, etc. my dreams of boutique soaps wrapped in plain brown paper, so chic in their simplicity, were dashed. but then a bar came out right: a bar i colored tan with pekoe tea, and that has honey and oatmeal and almond meal in it. and oh, how luxurious it is! for fun, i made another with powdered goat's milk in it, giving it a sweet smell much like the kiel's scrub i adore. well, i'm allergic to goat cheese in real life, so i probably should not have washed my face with this. alas, i'm a little broken out today. actually I'M HIDEOUS, DON'T LOOK AT ME!

okay, it's not as bad as all that. but i am a little zit-ty today. i blame the soap. i'm not giving up though, i'm going to color a bar a nice dark violet and pump it full of rosemary and tea tree essential oil. it'll be an eye-opener, so to speak, so i'll keep it away from any tender orifices.

this morning i watched the village people's fabulous/horrific "can't stop the music" on dvd. not a lot of extras, just a fairly candid bio of the band and the history of the movie. poor deluded allan carr, thinking himself invincible after his juggernaut "grease." ah well. hubris, the greeks called it. this thing is a horror show, what with the bad script, the bad acting, and the bad music. but i mean bad in a good way, you know? valerie perrine is ripe in this. like an ageing southern peach! and steve guttenberg, the only cast member who survives this wreckage and has a career in the '80's, armpit-sweats a lot. bruce jenner looks positively faggy in his short jean cutoffs and half-t, but what a body! and the village people themselves, well, they try. they really do. don't be put off by the last minute replacement for the original cop, he's not too bad. and the supporting cast: ugh. june havoc, barbara rush, and tammy grimes? it's night of the living dead b-movie style! although marilyn sokol as lulu is by far the most irritating presence here, directed to leer and wink suggestively with every line she says and at every man she sees. you know, the man-hungry new york "ethnic" type that was so popular in the '70's as comic relief. always playing the wacky or horny best friend, i can see her backing up circa '70's goldie hawn or marsha mason. oh wait, she did. in "foul play" and "the goodbye girl." throw in wife-of-sammy-davis altovise davis for some local er...color, and you've got a low-rent c-list party!

this whole mess is directed with little subtlety or skill, which is no surprise, as it was directed by first time (and last time) director nancy walker, who is most famous for being rhoda morgenstern's brassy mother ida. or maybe you know her for her stint as rosie, the waitress who is always on hand to wipe up spills with her quicker-picker-upper paper towel, bounty. at any rate, nobody could have saved this disaster. it's fabulous though, as you can imagine. if you haven't seen it, by all means check it out. and the new dvd release means that it's readily available and remastered and easy on the eyes. i cranked up the stereo and sang loudly along with one of my all-time favorite songs, "i love you to death," sung in mock-macho style by the simpering construction worker, david. it's amazing. lots of s&m "solid gold"-style dancing with lots of red spandex and rayon and glitter. and an industrial set that looks to be falling apart, given the jerky movements of a bunch of pipes at one point. oh! and don't blink or you'll miss billy idol's ex, perri lister. this sequence is my favorite for many reasons, but her "look over your shoulder and scowl at the camera" talents are priceless. it's supposed to be decadent, in that late-70's helmut newton bondage eurotrash way, but it's all pretty silly, really.

and don't get me started on "the milk shake," the milk commercial the boys do with a legion of dancers and white balloons... theoni aldredge should have won an oscar for her costumes, they are so gleefully tacky! just rent the movie. really, rent it. and how did the opening theme ("the sound of the city") not get trotted out last year during all that "rah rah new york" business? it's perfect! i'm not being ironic here. it blows "new york, new york" out of the water! it's catchy, campy, and fully orchestrated! i bet bill at mermaniac knows what i mean.

anyway, check it out.

oh, and when you are feeling blue or unsure of yourself, remember this quote from the motorcycle-riding village person glenn hughes:

"leathermen don't get nervous. leathermen don't get nervous."

(naturally, someone answers "yes they do." i'd like to think some clone queen strapped into a sling at the "meathook" with his ass crammed full of crisco knowingly shook his head in agreement).

oh, and andy: YES, IT WAS ME THAT CALLED YOU. he he he he he heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Monday, May 6


this weekend was all about moving and cleaning out and getting rid of; i'm finally moving in with the ball and chain.

in the early days of our relationship he was fairly furniture-deprived, and so i encouraged him to buy some things here and there and develop a sense of personal style. he tentatively bought a few pieces, a few more, a few more, etc. etc. etc. now, jump to the present, and he has an apartment full of furniture, and i have an apartment full of furniture, and we are finally moving in together, and two apartments full of furniture do not magically cram into the same little place. and so we are both making hard decisions about what is staying and going. i will say this: the computer is now on my 30"x70" parsons table, and there is so much room to work now i want to cry. but what to do with the spanish desk it replaced? or the cute wicker cubes that were once end tables, now replaced by the mies van der rohe table? the art nouveau armoire, where is that going? a garage sale. the breuer chair? broken, maybe it's day is through. and what about the '30's school table, now obsolete thanks to my saarninen tulip table... and so we have a load of stuff that we really love, but have to let go. i hate doing this. one day i'll look back on all this and wish i still had this or that, and it'll be long gone. ah well, it's only stuff, not a cure for cancer.

this move comes as i am preparing to leave for the summer, and it also coincides with our 5th anniversary. that's right, 5 years. which, like dog years, is 35 gay years. who knew?

my mother has been in town a lot, as her house in the valley sold and she has been commuting(!) to her doctoral program in north texas, which is an insane 11 hour drive. weekly. so she stops here in austin as the half-way point and rests for a night and drives on the next day. well, it's all over soon. she bought a house just north of dallas in a sleepy little lakeside community, and has big plans for her new little house. she is amazing this way, and can take the saddest, plainest house and make it cute and snazzy. i got some of this from her, thankfully. i'll post some before and after pictures of the place i'm leaving soon, i just have to get all that fixed over at angelfire.

anyway. she will be moved in soon, i'll be moved in soon, and then i'm gone. she is taking some of my furniture as well, as she likes my stuff and we have been trading pieces back and forth for 15 years now. she is moving on with her life, husband or no husband, and living outside of our hometown for the first time in 35 years. goodbye, rio grande valley! it was a nice hundred years for our family, but you are too hot and too crowded and you look like a strip-mall now. adios, meximerica! i'll miss you!


i'll blog one day about growing up as a blond gringo in the mexican culture, so steeped in the latin american culture my whole life that i feel physical pain at the thought of the last of my family leaving our south texan roots behind. que lastima, pero tenemos que dejar.


we went and saw spiderman yesterday, and despite some overwrought cgi effects i thoroughly enjoyed it. spiderman is york, you know? people sniffled through some emotional parts of the movie, and i'd like to think it wasn't the sappy script that got to me, that perhaps it was the collective sorrow that we non-new yorkers all still have about last year and what happened. it's like a bruise that won't go away, always tender, a dull ache in a limb. the movie was so much about the architecture of new york, about the people, about moving to the big hard city to make a go of it, and then having the city get your back when you are in trouble and need help. it was inspiring in a way that sam raimi may or may not have intended, and for me it was yet one more nudge to get my ass in gear and get moved up there. thanks spiderman!

time to get dressed and get going on the packing, and then off to work. i close "coriolanus" this weekend, and then have my garage sale the week after, and then go see my mom and help her pack down south the weekend after. and then i finish moving into willy's and then i'm gone. what a month. what a summer it will be.

what a life i will have!


p.s. that devo megamix thingy i put together last month that i was so proud of and that was the talk of the online devodork community has popped up without my assistance on audiogalaxy- thankfully, it is credited to me (bruisermix), but i can't help but feel a little twinge of regret. i mean, it's my baby. i want everyone to hear it, but want to protect it too. someone chose to distribute it to the millions of people who use audiogalaxy, and so the decision was made for me, you know? well, it's too late now, enjoy! enjoy!

Wednesday, May 1


may 31: go to dallas and see pet shop boys live on the 1st
june 2: travel to oklahoma to see some relative of one of the girls i'm travelling with, and then make memphis by that evening.
june 3: go to graceland! and then haul ass to atlanta, georgia!
june 4-6: hang out in atlanta with the father of the other girl i'm travelling with.
june 7: drive north to lovely morgantown, west virginia. set up shop and meet my fellow workers and staff.
june 8-august 11: work work work, putting on chestnut musicals for the hillbillys.
august 12: hitch a ride to pittsburgh, and then a bus to new york city. or hitch a ride to new york, whatever. i'm game.
august 12-august 19: new york city and thereabouts. i might be tempted to take a train to boston if someone volunteers to put me up for a few nights. that means you, ron.
august 20: take a bus, a train, whatever is cheapest really, to chicago.
august 21-? hang out in chicago for a few days, and then figure out how i'm getting back to dallas.
august 2? arrive in dallas. my boyfriend takes me back to austin at some point too.

whoopee! anyone want to see me? have a drink with me? eh? eh? let me know, just clicky clicky on the link at the left and drop me a line.


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