all neuroses, all the time

Wednesday, October 23

a day off, sort of

oh my god. a day off. my first in 8 days.

i agreed to work so much to help out my manager, who is in a bind as another rat jumped the ship and we are even lower on workers now, but oh my god i reget it now. that fucking place has become my life. it's all i do. put things back where they are supposed to go. put out new stock. smile through my dislike of my customers. anyway. la manageress is hiring a bunch of people (this was commanded by upper management, apparently she was tired of interviewing and was taking a break from it. meanwhile we were horribly understaffed and going insane with being stretched too thin). and so i've worked and worked, and yesterday worked two 10 hour shifts back to back, and let me tell you: it sucks to get up and go to work, come home, shower, go to bed, get up and start it all over again. it feels hopeless sometimes, like this is how life will always be. i know it's not true, but still.

she's cut back on hours for me at my request; i need to spend some time with my actual design jobs now, and i can't live at that fabric store any more. and so.

willy called yesterday from gay paree but i missed him. he told me he got the card i made him, and missed and loved me, and would see me soon. i am really ready for him to come home. he's been gone since the first, and will not come back until the 31st. that's a long time to be away from eachother, but then again, we did 3 months this summer (with a visit at the halfway point). we'll be okay.

i have a week and half to throw together this current design project, and god i hope it works out. i've just been working too much at that fucking store, and the two things i'd committed to are suffering. i have to work on those things for the next two days, so while i don't really have any "sit around in my underwear watching judge judy" time these next few days at least it is not selling decoupage and puff paints to mean old biddies. of which i have met a few this month.

i think that i will be doing some long-distance design work for that friend in new york. their next project at p.s. 122 (where andy works) is...well...i can't tell you i guess, as it's an original work. but it is set at the turn of the century and i like those clothes a lot. i've started sketching a tad, and if all goes well i'll be able to get to new york in february. i'm thinking about taking a train, just for the fuck of it. oh, and the well-documented unease with which i fly.

we move in january to dallas. we move later in the year to new york. my life ends, my life begins, i hope.

Saturday, October 19


as some of you may remember, i was desperate for a job and applied hither and thither and suddenly found myself with too much on my plate, and bitching about the fabric store job. well, i'm not bitching anymore. it's kind of fun. i'm the only guy there. the girls flirt and giggle around me, dropping hints and asking funny questions like "so, do you have a roommate?" or "are you dating anyone?" in a tone of voice that i think is supposed to be coquettish. anyway. i thought i was big ol' faggot, i guess it's harder to spot after all. or they are blind as bats, or self-deluded. who knows?

well, it's a lot better, and it's because of me. i am single-handedly making that place a fun place to work. i was complimented about my attitude today by my manager and she told me how much she likes me working there. which is good, because it's just so goofy and disheartening sometimes to suddenly realize i have been standing behind a cash register for hours or that i am restocking those plastic grids that grandmas put yarn through and turn into tissue box covers for the tops of their toilets. gag.

anyway. it's late, i'm tired, i'm going to bed. i was asked to go to two different parties tonight, but i was cranky and ready to come home after being at work since noon. we left at 10:30 tonight, and yes indeedy-do that is 10 1/2 hours. i mean, really. it interferes with my design projects, and that sucks. so changes are coming, and because my manageress likes me so much i'll get to have a better schedule...

wasn't all this interesting?


Wednesday, October 16

estrogen alert!

for the first time ever, there is a girl, and i mean a real girl, in my linkylove! i stumbled on julie's blog via salon, which was via brainsluice (also a new link, and finally added although i've been meaning to for months), and i must say that i love her writing about food. she appears to be trying all the julia childs french classics she can get her hands on, and she describes her triumphs and failures in a way that reminds me of when i used to be so fearless a cook back in college. i don't cook at all anymore, really. i don't know why. my late-in-life love affair with junk food, i guess. oh, and she gets bonus points for mentioning that the best hamburgers in the world are right here in austin at hut's. it's true, you know?

at any rate, go check out her quiche aux poireaux, her salade a la d’argenson, her poulet poche avec sauce a l'estragon... my mouth is watering already. oui! oui!

which reminds me, willy called me this morning from beneath the eiffel tower: a guy named jean paul. just joking, the real eiffel tower. he says he wishes i was there, and i do too; but i was the dumbshit that told him i couldn't go to paris, even after he offered to fly me there and put me up. ah well. i wouldn't have had any money anyway... i have to keep telling myself that while i surf the internet, watch t.v., empty the catbox, and wait on goofy crafter ladies as they nickle and dime me over a 25 cent paint brush. ::sigh::

c'est la vie, as they say.

Tuesday, October 15

picks and pans

well, jim, i have to side with the new york post guy: sopranos this season has not been too great, in my opinion. i mean, DO SOMETHING, anybody. the columbus episode was really weak, and while i liked the race horse one fine, and liked the building dread concerning christopher's girlfriend, i have yet to get wound up and edge of my seat about anything yet. i was close last week, what with the dual hits on ralphie and the other mob boss, but.... nothing. no climax. nothing. just me with blue balls and a general sense of discontent. here is hoping for some fireworks, as the preview for this sunday showed the return of annabella sciorria (or however you spell her name). i'm hoping for some sort of showdown. anything. and enough with the janis already! no more of her little schemes, i don't care. nobody does. someone kill somebody!

in other news: i am in LOVE with the new soft cell album, "cruelty without beauty." now, of course i am biased. i flew to london last year just to see them reunite for the first time in 17 years at the ocean, in hackney. but i am not disappointed in this cd at all, and i don't think there is a stinker in the bunch. even the weaker tracks (the singles, surprisingly!) are catchy and good and dancey and nothing for marc and dave to be ashamed of. it doesn't feel like a nostalgia trip at all, if anything i agree with david's summation: that it's the best marc almond solo album in years. anyhoo, it's been in heavy rotation here at chez hoax, check it out.

p.s. why did i go to that indian buffet tonight? why do i go to buffet places at all? i have no self control, it's a fact. so why set myself up for failure and guilt? ah, that's a whole other can of worms, huh?

Thursday, October 10

miss e., and yet another madonna rant

i must say, i LOVE that new missy elliot song, "work it." and i just saw the video tonight on mtv, and i like it even more. i just really like her, like as a person. and i don't know her at all. i don't know anything about her, other than the fact that she's so frickin talented- well, good on her. good luck with the new album missy- i'm sure it'll be huge. kiss kiss!

madonna's new single, which at first i was really impressed with, is now just irritating. i also saw the "making of the video" for "die another day" and as usual i have decided that i shouldn't actually hear madonna talk to people. ever. she is the whiniest woman in the world. you get big doses of this in "truth or dare," like she's always saying "ow" like she's always hurting herself. and so of course tonight i see some backstage footage and sure enough within a few seconds of her first appearance on the screen she has walked into something and said "ow!" everyone stops and pays attention to her. the world stops and worries how she is. and throughout the show she looks into the camera and tells us all how hard it is. it's just so fucking hard. or it's so early. or it's so cold. vomit. ugh, tired. i think she is so tired. how can i hate and love one woman so much? who's not my mother?

i don't know what brought all that on.

best missy line: "call before ya come, i need to shave my cho-cha"


Tuesday, October 8

yeah baby!

willy would love this one.

it was what i looked like, about 5 years ago! how things change...

"i am made of snot" goes to the movies

somehow or other i have managed to get sick. which sucks hard, you know? i'm on top of this though, and it's not been too bad, despite the throwing up yesterday and the sinus headache all night while i tried to sleep. i get so cold, too- and so the house is at a balmy 80 degrees. if you know me at all, you know i hate being warm. but alas, warm it is. it beats the hell out of shivering and clicking-clacking teeth.

so. bored with this stuffy sealed up sick-house i ventured out today and caught the first showing of "red dragon." i really liked it. sure, the direction lacked the finesse that i would have liked, but the story was exciting and the cast was fantastic. phillip seymour hoffman plays another damaged lowlife dirtbag, his specialty i guess, and ralph fiennes does his level best to not turn into a shrieky whiner sex freak, but alas. emily watson is all wide-eyed blind lady, which is how one plays a blind lady, i think. and ed norton is good as well; but why do people swoon over him? who ever said he was handsome? it's like his face stayed 14 and the rest of his body moved on. he looks like one of those bobble head dolls, this big charlie brown head on a little stick body. see? see what being sick does to me? unnecessary criticism! anthony hopkins does a good job with his material, sounding more like the lecter of "silence" than the fey dirty old man of "hannibal." all in all, there were surprises, and twists, and some good scares. lots of gore, but it is mostly suggested somehow. oh, until the last 15 minutes, when you learn that.... just kidding!

alright, it's my day off. i'm going to clean the house. tra la, tra la, he wants to lead the glamorous life. he don't need... a man's touch.

ah but i do. my man's touch, that is. got a phone call from him this morning. he's in munich. FUCKER.

Monday, October 7

retail hell

and so i started my new job, job number three let's call it. jobs number one and two are the one for the high school and one constructing giant puppets that require two or three operators for a children's show. job number four i just got hired for, and it is stitching at that despot-run award winning theater in south austin. which leaves job number three.

job number three is at a fabric store that is notorious among designers here in town as being poorly run, not well stocked, and with the meanest help in the city. on a lark i dropped off an application there last week, desperate for something steady as some of the other retail places hadn't called me back, and the ones that had offered me little money or ridiculous hours (like the 5 a.m. shift unloading inventory from trucks. um, no. maybe when i was 22. oh wait, i did that at 22. okay, then never again). so they called me last monday and asked me to come in and interview... and let me tell you, i rock the mic at interviews. i say the right things, show excitement, smile a lot (thanks mom, for insisting on the braces), and make lots of eye contact. of course i was hired, on the spot.

and now begins the hard part. all those things that i mentioned that are wrong with the store, all those things i knew going into it are much worse than i thought. they have new management, but the store was so poorly managed before that the staff are hardened and bitter and reluctant to change, preferring instead to bitch and moan a lot and pout and take it out on the customers. i waited tables for years, and i was trained to smile through it all and make people feel at ease and comfortable. i actually watched a co worker raise her voice and roll her eyes at a woman yesterday! i mean, what the fuck? i had forgotten what retail was like though, and the steady flow of screaming babies, destructive toddlers, sullen and broody goth chicks, manic-fake-happy soccer moms, and crusty old ex-seamstresses did little to change my opinion that the general public are cloddish and oafish and bad for my soul. but through it all i genuinely smiled, was interested in what they were doing ("did you see that bunch of silk of sunflowers in the bargain bin? they would look great with that gingham ribbon on your wreath there!" blech. sorry: BLECHHHH. ).

the store is left in a mess by the closing shift from the night before, so we have to clean all day. nothing has been done, no system put in place, to rectify how unfair it is. people accept their fates: cleaning up after someone else is just one more aspect of this lousy job, and one more reason for a worker to be disgruntled and rude to patrons. whatever. i won't last. i'll give it three more weeks. and you should have heard the earfull i got from one of the girls who decided to confide in me all the things that are wrong with the store. it was shocking- but i know now why i was hired on the spot: 4 people quit or were fired the week before. and the girl who told me this also told me that she had put her two weeks in that morning. ::sigh:: what have i gotten in to?

i took this job thinking i could work about 30 hours (scheduled this week: 40) and have a weekend day off to work on other projects (promised but not delivered yet, i work all weekends next two schedules) and work opening shifts (promised, and yet i'm closing a bunch lately). ugh. whatever. oh, and training has consisted of watching a goofy video and then throwing me out on the two busiest days to plink and plonk on the register keyboard and hope for the best. my god, i'm all riled up now. i ain't gonna last.

so that's what is up lately. today is a day off, so i'm going to stay home and recharge. i am scheduled all week. and who the fuck works 11 or 12 hour shifts? apparently me, if the new schedule is to be believed. this is not what i thought it would be.

p.s. i miss my husband terribly. it's just so boring! i wish i had time for an affair or something. but i'm just too fucking tired... a week and a half ago i had nothing. no work. so i got out there and said yes to everything, and now i'm totally overbooked. i've yet to paid for anything though... when do i see some cashola? that's the project for today. make some calls. make some threats, if i have to.

oh, and the record convention was fun, i bought a bunch of devo stuff. geek!

Thursday, October 3

school daze

today is my first meeting at the ritzy high school with the director and cast of "the shadowbox," a depressing show written in the 70's about a bunch of people who are dying and spending their last days in cozy cabins in the woods. i used to see this done at u.i.l. competitions back in the 80's all the time, i guess it's slowly making it's way back into popularity. what's next? "marat/sade"? or "you can't take it with you"? me oh my... plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose... as they say.

however, the director sounds young and excited and committed, and i like to work with people like that, and i bet the kids will be great. if anything they will be well-read, thanks to their private schooling. after being in classes with 18 and 19 year olds who had never cracked their "complete works of shakespeare" or had not read any williams or miller or beckett (THEATER STUDENTS!!!!), i'll be glad to be around some kids who are made to be smart. money talks, you know.

um, what else. i still haven't heard from willy, i hope he hasn't been kidnapped and forced into slavery or something awful. i can just see him stumbling along the streets of marakesh, asking the tourists is he can blow them... wait. that's no punishment for him. well, i hope he is happy.

and with that, i'm off!

Tuesday, October 1

the return of poody, and a quickie manifesto

so i just put my husband on a plane to europe. alas, i couldn't go, i didn't save any money from this summer (it was near impossible to, actually). he had a sabbatical from work that had to be used by december 31, i think. and so he goes. he's never been before, and this trip is a doozy: london, amsterdam, munich, paris, florence, rome. 4 weeks. i wish i could have gone... i take solace in the fact that he will be miserable without me. i hope. just kidding. sort of.

i have a job now, a few jobs, actually: a job at a fabric store (got so that i might use an employee discount to by some new machines), a job designing a show for a ritzy private high school, and a job constructing giant puppets for a production of "christmas carol." oh, and i interview as a stitcher at the swanky gay theater today or tomorrow. so, you see. i'm immersing myself in work, in the hopes that it takes my mind off the empty house and the giant bed. the novelty is already wearing off, i want him home. and he's been gone 2 hours!

i'm writing lots of new music. something is happening. my creativity is flowing, my attitude is changing, i'm committing to a brand new life. i'm about to go through my cd's and books and clothing and memorabilia and PURGE. i want it all gone. i want nothing to tie me down. i need my mate, my dog, and the love of my friends, and that's all. oh, and my vinyl devo collection, of which i hope to add some more rarities this weekend at the record show.

i wish i had some more news, but i'll start updating regularly from here on out. i'm settled in finally, i'm employed, i'm rested.

alright. talk at you soon.

p.s. my cat, who i had moved to my mother's house and who promptly ran away, has returned to my mom's front stoop, howling, skinny, and wanting some love. the fucker was gone for 4 weeks! little shit!

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