all neuroses, all the time
Tuesday, December 24
Tuesday, December 3
so much to tell, and yet...
for months i have wrestled with this blog, trying to make sense of it, trying to make it interesting, trying to find it something i want to keep up. i have failed.
at one time it was all i wanted to do, actually interfering with work and school deadlines... as a matter of fact, i blame this blog and my need to read a gazillion blogs for much of the school time issues i had last year. i simply stopped with homework, and kept blogging.
but what have i learned? nothing. oh sure, i know plenty about you guys, and it's been interesting, touching, sexy, infuriating, etc. but the reason i started this blog was make sense of me, and i've not ever been able to use it in that way. i've come close: flirting with a revelation about my family, or just barely hinting at a trauma or two. but this blog didn't serve me the way i thought i could make it do. i thought i could pour it all out, you know? the pain, the humor, the tears, the regret, the rage. and yet i just couldn't commit. was i even interested in all that catharsis? and my god; were you?
i came to care too much about this blog. and like a deadbeat dad i had to desert it, moving on to another town, a new woman, dumping my kids to fend for themselves as best they could.
well, daddy's home. but i don't know why. and i don't know how i'm going to post from here on out. it should be meaty stuff. it should provoke, or entertain. no more laundry lists. no more petty work shit. something real, something to care about.
i want to care about it. i want to care, in general.
how to begin? how to begin?